


Everyone's Sharks Because Bettycon

by kanoitrace, shiphitsthefan, viscouslover



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: 1980s B-Movie AU, 2006, Alternate Universe - Crack, Angst, Benny is a Vampire Bat, Blasphemy Like Whoa - Freeform, Bring it out Dmitri, Caboose Babies, Cocksure Drilling Assistant, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Dead Squirrel Friends, Dean In Sensible Boxer Briefs, Does Anyone Know Anything About Shark Anatomy?, Dom/sub Undertones, Dubious Consent, Eventual Nip Slip, Everyone's Poly Because Reasons, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Found Kainan, Gen, Gloryholes - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Interspecies Romance for TS, Love Wins, M/M, Major Character Shark, Mismanaged Reaganomics, Moosebaiting, Multi, Not Safe For Anyone, Not Safe For Anywhere, Original Vegetable, Other, Polysharks, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sad Squirrel Friends, Sam Gets a Zoo, San Diego Comic-Con, Sekrit RPF, Self-Insert, Sexually Sentient Hair, Sharktext, Slow Burn, Speaking of MechaHitler, Squirrelnado RPF, Sweaty Hands for TS, TSA Bans Gloryholes, Time Slipstreams, Train ABO Dynamics, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Where's Kainan, fake boyfriends, happy ending I promise, ot10 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:21:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4225086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanoitrace/pseuds/kanoitrace, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiphitsthefan/pseuds/shiphitsthefan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/viscouslover/pseuds/viscouslover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where gloryholes have been banned by the TSA, a lone cocksure drilling assistant fights against the tyranny of MechaHitler to save the world from sharknados. </p><p>Plot twist: He’s in love with a squirrel. </p><p>Another plot twist: It is Crowley all along.  </p><p>Super plot twist: Sam gets a zoo. (But no one is surprised because he hit the zoo keeper.)  He disappears for a year because he gets sucked into a time vortex caused by the sharknado, which, if you recall, was a major plot point. When he returns, he is a mooseraptor.  From space.  </p><p>Oh shit, this is the summary.  Um.  Well.  100k slow burn summarizing.  But MAYBE, JUST MAYBE they can find love in a world that makes literally no sense. </p><p>Read and Review? It’s our first fic together; be gentle, use lubricant, and practice safe concrit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Murder Most Fowl

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE AS OF 6/27: ABANDONED WIP PLZ TO STOP SUBSCRIBE
> 
> Unbeta'd - All mistakes are yours.
> 
>  
> 
> [PERISCOPED DRAMATIC FIC READING RIGHT HERE](https://www.periscope.tv/w/aF962jYwNjQ2OTR8MzAwOTk3NzO2xOmtYoPJfmhRjGiizvDK0DPrp9f2rP7fqyNXdHyWXA==)

“Hello, Dean.”

Castiel’s voice comes out squeaky, because he is a squirrel. Half of Castiel’s tail is missing due to a mishap with a cocksure garbage disposal. He wears the scars proudly; a constant reminder of the peril he endured to save his best friend-turned lover, the sultry Dean Winchester.

Silence echoes across the void. Dean is a shark. He cannot emote, however, he pines longingly for his sad squirrel friend Castiel. Of course, Castiel senses his longing, as squirrels are known to do.

In the deep blue sea, Dean hunts sea monsters in search of his missing sad squirrel friend, Castiel. He finds a lowly mackerel and smacks him with his fin.

“WHERE’S THE SQUIRREL,” Dean demands, his razor-sharp teeth against the mackerel’s neck.

Before the mackerel can answer, suddenly a vortex opens up from below.

\----

Sam has been away at school for what seems like forever. He can’t remember the last time he saw his cocksure older brother. At least Dean left the car with him.

It’s summer.  The sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky.  Sam drives down the open highway with the windows down and NPR cranked to eleven, the wind blowing through his glorious mane of hair.  He’s on his way to a tech rehearsal for _Supernatural: The Musical_ to fulfill his community service requirement for his summer psychology class.  Sam desperately hopes that not much has changed in the world of high school tech booths since he last operated a switchboard four years ago.

He had been so proud of the light filters for _Our Town_.  If only his father could have been there.

Sam tightens his grip on the steering wheel, determined not to let his thoughts turn dark.  He’s worked very hard to invent a new life for himself; there’s no need to remember the old one, even if he’s basically driving around in their house.

Still, he can’t help but remember the last time he saw John Winchester.  It had been a dark and stormy night.  Sam had woken up from a horrible nightmare about cocksure squirrels and sharks and some kind of evil robot from space.

“It’s an omen,” John had declared.  Their father had hated sharks, and squirrels, and robots ever since the day Mary had been taken from them, as he knew one of the three must surely be the culprit.  There could be no other explanation.

He’d jumped into his truck, which they had recently exorcised of a racist ghost, as one obviously does, pulled out of the parking lot of their most recent motel, and driven off into the darkness.  No one had heard from him since.

Sam sighs, and stares wistfully out his window, forgetting he is driving the car, because, after all these years, he still pictures himself in the passenger seat.  He’s pulled off onto a little-used side road.  Word has it there’s a shortcut through the woods.

Suddenly, he hears an ear-piercing screech from the road.  Sam jerks his head around and comes bumper to face with a raptor.  He slams on the brakes, wondering why the fuck a dinosaur is just chilling in the middle of the goddamn road. It’s been at least three years since raptors went re-extinct.

Also suddenly, it jumps out of the way as, further suddenly, a tornado touches down.  Sam shakes his head, because there’s no way he’s seeing things correctly.  He must be imagining things, or dreaming, or tripping absolute balls, because the tornado is chock-full o’ sharks.

Sharks.

He tries to swerve, but it’s too late; the Impala has been caught in the immense gravitational pull generated by hundreds of sharks whirling and twirling in a sinister dance of murder.  Sam squints as he is dragged into the undertow, and sees a portal opening, in the center.

“Honk,” says the Impala as it is slowly sucked into the tornado.

And as the portal closes behind him, Sam realizes he’s lost his shoe.

\----

Meanwhile, in space, the dreaded MechaHitler plots his return. Bolstered by the support of his nefarious demon minions, the RoboNazi waits for springtime...

\----

Also meanwhile, cocksure TSA Agent Dmitri Krushnic is dead-set on finding the Gloryhole Marauder, a mysterious flyer who drills holes into air cabin bathrooms and fellates unsuspecting patrons. (Who, like, totally stuck their dicks in the holes _completely_ unawares.)

Dmitri is committed to his position as a TSA Agent, unbeknownst to Jensen Ackles, cocksure Gloryhole Marauder, who enjoys drilling holes into air cabin bathrooms and waiting patiently for unsuspecting patrons to stick their dicks into his hole.

Jensen is committed to his position as a total cockslut. In sensible boxer briefs.

Note for later: the sharknado takes over the plane mid-coitus. Chaos ensues.

Motherfucking Gloryholes on a Motherfucking Plane.

\----

Further meanwhile, somewhere in Canada and concurrently in a needless aside which will surely be axed from the fic during editing, a group of cocksure writers gather to write about women in awkward scenarios falling into an endless sea of refrigerators.  The distressed damsels are saved by Indiana Jones in a cameo role.

Though accused of archaeology-baiting, the show is renewed for twenty seasons.

No one receives Emmys, and everyone is incredibly bitter.

Thirty thousand deaths confirmed in the shipping wars.

\----

 _ **Furthest**_ meanwhile, a cocksure drilling assistant yet to be named waits for the writers to remember that he is the main character and decide who he is.

Much like Adam, he has been forgotten.

\----

*Wavy Flashback Sequence*

Squirrelgatory was something pure. Dean knew this. He could feel it pulsing through his cold veins. A thrumming reminder of the savagery that lay within him, just beneath his furry exterior.

“S’gettin’ dark, Brotha,” a shrill Cajun voice chirps from above.

Benny’s been a good friend. Maybe the best friend Dean’s ever had. ‘Sides Cas, of course. Although, that doesn’t seem to matter to Cas anymore. The wingless bastard abandoned him months ago. Left him to run and rot in this decrepit place.

Typical. Just when shit really hits the fan, another lov-- liked one abandons Dean.

Well, that’s just fine by Dean. He’s got Benny and a blade now. And he doesn’t need much else.

“You’re right,” Dean squeaks to his cocksure vampire bat compadre, “Let’s find a place to bunker down for the night.”

\----

Erstwhile, Bucky Barnes IS NOT A VILLAIN.

It’s 1973. The arctic tundra. The cocksure Winter Soldier treks mercilessly through the endless terrain with only his feet to guide him and a mission in his head. His heart, however, yearns for something he doesn’t understand.

He ignores it, and barrels on.

When night falls, he finds a cave and settles in for rest.

Suddenly, the color red dots his peripheral vision in the dimness. He seeks answers, and finds a familiar body frozen in a block of ice. He runs his hand--metal, cold, cracking in the frozen air--across the ice, across the face of a man he recognizes. His features are sharp, blond hair combed back in a style that reminds the Winter Soldier of a time long-passed, a distant shadow in his memory.

In his mind’s eye, he sees what this man would have looked like blushing, shoving at his shoulder and laughing, cocksure and confident. He sees blue eyes and shy smiles, an innocent kind of determination reserved only for the divinely stupid or the unerringly stubborn.

The Winter Soldier knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he once loved this man.

Though he does not remember why.

So he sits. And he waits.

Until he remembers.

\----

Meanwhile, back in space, MechaHitler tents his fingers and leers over the madness below him.

“Good,” he observes from the cockpit of his Mech-suit. “Good.”

END OF SIDE ONE - TURN TAPE OVER

[chime sounds]


	2. Dial 'M' for Meanwhile, Murder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You gotta see it to believe it.

Meanwhile, in the ocean, a dangerous current emanates from the mysterious underwater headquarters of Hydra Industries.

Nefarious CEO Dean Forrester of Stars Hollow solemnly supervises over the launch OF Hydra’s most nefarious plan yet: The Sharknado Initiative. Born out of the confusion following the fall of communism, and inadvertently funded by mismanaged Reaganomics, The Initiative was the brainchild of the re-animated corpse of Hitler (before they secretly sent him back to his secret bunker on the moon) and the computer-preserved intelligence of nefarious henchman Zola. 

Dean swishes the bangs out of his eyes and switches on Fox News, ready to witness the inevitable panic that will surely ensue.

\----

Also meanwhile, Jesus is having a very bad day. His best bro, Judas, has totes been subtweeting about him all day. Seems like they aren’t the bros JC thought they were. #Traitor

“You don’t get sweaty hands when you feel extreme emotions?”

\----

Furthest meanwhile part II, cockslut Jensen Ackles whispers into his favorite gloryhole on flight UA1298, “Bring it out, Dmitri.”

However, in 2006, best friends forever Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans are driving down I-70 on their way to San Diego Comic Con. Seb glances down to his crotch and then flicks his gaze over to Chris. “You wanna help me out with this, bro?”

Knowingly, Chris smirks and replies, “Broad head?”

“Hella.”

As Seb licks his plush, ~~cocksure~~ cocksucking lips, a breaking news bulletin cracks through the car’s speakers. 

“Fox News Breaking Bulletin: A dangerous time vortex seems to be affecting all years but 2006. We have no details, but are currently blaming the Democrats and Socialism for the event. If you’re currently driving a vehicle, we strongly urge you not to perform roadhead on your bro.”

Sadly, Chris pushes Seb away from him. “Another time, bro.” #Foreshadowing

 

\----  
Also even more meanwhile back in the year 2015, the cast of _Supernatural: The Musical_ continues to wait expectantly for their light operator to show up so they can get this show on the road.

“Do you think he got swallowed by a Sharknado?” Crystal asks.

Siobhan raises her eyebrow. “Be serious, sweetie.”

“We don’t have time to wait for him!” bellows Marie.

Siobhan winces. “I wish the Sharknado would swallow me.”

Maeve sighs, shakes her head, and dreams of theatrical professionalism. No wonder their drama teacher had turned to adult juice.

\----

Shark Dean swims along sadly, bemoaning, “I can’t even sing. At least, that’s what people say.”

Suddenly! A wild, nefarious Cain with his cocksure beard appears, brandishing an ear of corn at the downtrodden fish. How can he breath underwater? Because #Bettycon!

“You and I are much alike,” the corn man warns.

This is truly a frightening prospect! “How do I stop this!”

Cain and his beard are taken aback. “How… What!? Why would you NOT want to be like me!”

“I want to sing! Make it in the big times!” wails shark Dean, though he is completely unemotive. Because shark. He really wishes his furry buddy, Cas, were here.


	3. SPOILERS FOR WRITERS ONLY DO NOT READ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supah sekrit author notes.

  * Shark!Dean is in the Sharknado

  * Shark!Dean is actually demon!Shark!Dean; he is given a plotline, and does more than sing terrible karaoke

  * Squirrel!Cas has mistakenly believed Shark!Dean to be Squirrel!Dean, altered from his time in Squirrelgatory - IN FACT, he’s been swept into a parallel universe! Goatees ensue.

  * The Impala is also racist

  * Winter Soldier is swept up in Sharknado; his mission is to kill cocksure TSA Agent Dmitri Krushnic, who happens to be midst-fellatio with cockslut, cocksure Jensen Ackles

  * No one ever remembers to include the cocksure drilling assistant.  He languishes in a cocksure existential crisis for the rest of his cocksure days.

  * Jesus utilizes the gloryhole on flight UA5137 before cocksure maintenance crew worker Mary M fills it in.

  * Cocksure TSA Agent Dmitri Krushnic by day, MechaHitler conspiracy-theorist Jacob Glaser by night. #ItWasARobotHead

  * It’s a little bit of a spoiler, but how do you think the Boeing 737 gets out of the Sharknado? (Super spoiler: Mjolnir, which is like super in love with the Boeing 737. It betrays Thor in saving the plane.)

  * Something something something Raptor Squad.

  * The Shork (the new name of the Sharknado) swallows up Snowpiercer, as Curtis, played by Chris Evans, who is done giving SebStan broad head, is fucking the train. It’s called trainfucking, and it’s a thing. Mpreg to follow. “Whistle blast,” says the train.

  * Ok but so Snowpiercer wants to be OT4 with Boeing 737 x Mjolnir x Sharknado, but mpreg!Curtis only wants Snowpiercer and the OT3 is unrequited

  * The silky smooth embrace of hair over Sam’s quivering member is, in fact, his hair, which, in the chaos of the cocksure timeslip stream, has grown and gained sexual sentience (Dubious consent?)

  * Sam’s shoe lies in the road, very happy to be forgotten.  Until the raptor finds it.  Then it is unhappy and eaten.

  * #Where’sKainan

  * Meanwhile, a lonely, cocksure drilling assistant lets a single tear streak down his perfect cheekbone. A soft breeze rustles his shirt. Tasteful sideboob gives way to a solitary nip slip. No one mourns his death.

  * The Shork, finally satisfied with its raucous lovemaking with the Boeing 737 and Mjolnir, lands in Dayton, Ohio at the home of one Betty Days, host of Bettycon2k15, wherein six individuals painstakingly craft modern literary feats. Orgy between shark!Dean, sadsquirrel!Cas, Sam’s hair, Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, Sebastian Stan, the Raptor Squad, the Winter Soldier, Dean Forrester, Mario, cockslut!Jensen, Cain’s beard (with newfound sexual sentience), Jesus, mpreg!Curtis, TSA!Dmitri, Sach, Ship, Kanoi, Luna, AgentFreeWill, Betty, and the newly reformed MechaHitler ensues. #LoveWins



 


End file.
